I have found mothering baby Emily to be infinitely easier than motherly first-baby Belle. I know what to expect, I know what to worry about it, I know not to worry about much, and I know that everything is a stage and Emily will be running around and heading off to school all too soon.
But there are two aspects of motherhood that are not any easier.
The sleep deprivation is far more difficult. I have two little ones stealing my sleep at night. On those few nights when Emily didn't wake and ask for her one middle-of-the-night feeding, Belle had me up a few times. I have not slept more than three hours straight in about a year. Some nights I feel as if I am in a sit-com, as I attempt to crawl back into bed from tending to one munchkin just as the other little girl is calling for me. I have begin relying on caffeine and wish I could take back all those times I likely refused a nap when I was a kid. I'll sleep through the night one day, right?
Today is Labor Day. A new school year begins tomorrow, and my maternity leave and stint as a stay-at-home-mom ends. I have returned from maternity-leave before. The start of the 2011-2012 school year marked the end of my year home with baby Belle. Craig and I went together to drop Belle off at her new in-home day care the morning of the first day of school. I cried hysterically. Hysterically. Huge, soap opera-like sobs with tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. I was confident that Belle would be safe, but would she be loved and appreciated? Would she be cooed over? Would she get her picture taken when she did something cute? And now, as I think about leaving both girl and returning to full-time teaching, I get a lump in my throat and my eyes well. I will have to be brave when I drop the girls off tomorrow because Belle has a keen sense of what is going on and I don't want to worry her. But I don't know that I'll be able to stifle my sadness when I get back in the car and head to my school. I like my job and I enjoy the people I work with, so I am looking forward to getting back to work. I just wish I could clone myself so my girls could be with their mommy and I could enjoy them all day while still pursuing my fulfilling career.
Can't have it all.
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